Safe

Recently, I came across several letters that set my brain a~whirling. One was from someone dear to my heart, a single letter addressed & sent to each of her children. The other two were remarkable replies.

The original letter was short, to the point, sharing the letter writer's unexpected self-realization that she only felt safe with two out of six (including in laws) children. She confided that, as part of a larger effort to improve her overall attitude of mind, she was working on moving past that sense of unease, that she welcomed hearing from anyone who wanted to talk about what was happening in her life.

Of the four children receiving the letter by mail, two responded. One took her to task for not feeling safe with the other - berating her that there was no reason to not feel safe. That letter never asked for more specifics, for what was meant by the word "safe," or for an example of what she meant by not feeling safe.

The other also responded, or - to be more accurate - retaliated, calling out the letter writer for not feeling safe. Yes, the other noted, the other's blunt honesty often left people feeling sad, miserable, mad, angry, even hostile, but they always felt safe with the other.

What an excellent illustration of knowing HOW people define words. The other had no problem seeing that they often brought people to grief (i.e. sad, miserable, mad, angry, even hostile), but that didn't translate to them as unsafe. Perhaps, to them, being unsafe meant being physically unsafe; maybe the concept of emotional safety wasn't on the other's radar. There was no way to ask, as the letter was all emphatic statement, no open-ended asking.

Coming across those now "ancient" letters served as a good reminder to me that while I might THINK the words I'm using have clearly defined meaning, t'aint necessarily so. I could be totally misread - and could be, in turn, totally misread others. Step softly & carry a big curiosity to learn more.

It's safe to say that these letters frame a caveat we're each well served to heed - never assume that what you think you hear is what someone meant to convey, even if you can repeat back word for word what was said. When we think the sense is off whack, ask what the person meant by what was said. Imagine the difference if either the first OR the other had simple responded, "You say you only feel safe with this one & that one. Tell us more about how you feel with the others."