it was so very cool to hang out at the general church assembly, getting remarkably fresh insights & liberating longtime limits, all without attending a single plenary session or workshop!
made no excuses for choosing to hang back rather than sit in on any assembly activities (wasn't registered, due to several reasons), then amazed as new awareness burbled up, i think because of not artifically fogging the mind with phony reasons for why i side-stepped doing what i didn't want to do. yeah, i hung back; yeah, i was utterly over-the-top in pursuit of people to sign my bright yellow book bag ~ ~ but those two contradictory behaviors have been part of my very warp & woof since FOREVER. run with 'em.
taking anne h. from event to event was NOT me being of service at the expense of my own experience of the assembly, but about helping someone who really cared about attending plenary sessions & workshops to get hither & yon WHILE doing precisely what i really & truly wanted with my time.
certainly NOT what i expected, but certainly my glorious experience. feels fabuloso to be more hip than hapless.
Sunday, June 26, 2011
Wednesday, June 22, 2011
leading with my heart
friends with a certified kitchen - needed to bake AND market my crackers - are understandably unwilling to give me access.
would have been a sweet solution, not requiring any $$ outlay on my part. it even seemed good karma, as i rep their bbq sauce at my village market vendor spot. but a very practical response.
am beginning to doubt that i have a practical bone in my body, always leading with the heart instead of my head.
spent a good deal of last night thinking about how rydal park, in spite of being a truly beautiful facility, feels like a warehouse for elders. i know that a lot of the people there want to live that way. but it just seems... off kilter.
so glad that our mothers - mine & john's - lived to the very end in their very own house with their very own neighbors next door, their very own family around them.
it wasn't easy having mom with us, considering our differences in life views & the family baggage she brought with her, but it was as important to me as it was to her.
the only other option - living with mike & kerry, which would have been my preference - would still have kept mom in her very own home (albeit her aussie home) with her very own neighbors next door, her very own family around her.
would have been a sweet solution, not requiring any $$ outlay on my part. it even seemed good karma, as i rep their bbq sauce at my village market vendor spot. but a very practical response.
am beginning to doubt that i have a practical bone in my body, always leading with the heart instead of my head.
spent a good deal of last night thinking about how rydal park, in spite of being a truly beautiful facility, feels like a warehouse for elders. i know that a lot of the people there want to live that way. but it just seems... off kilter.
so glad that our mothers - mine & john's - lived to the very end in their very own house with their very own neighbors next door, their very own family around them.
it wasn't easy having mom with us, considering our differences in life views & the family baggage she brought with her, but it was as important to me as it was to her.
the only other option - living with mike & kerry, which would have been my preference - would still have kept mom in her very own home (albeit her aussie home) with her very own neighbors next door, her very own family around her.
Monday, June 20, 2011
tiring easily
a bother.
but so many more other things are doing better than they ever have before. keep building on those. keep on keeping the promise.
but so many more other things are doing better than they ever have before. keep building on those. keep on keeping the promise.
Thursday, June 16, 2011
i just don't get it
it takes john FOREVER to do the simplest measurement/cut activity. to me, it's so simple - figure out the simplest way to do the necessary cuts, mark your dimensions, then cut them out.
no brainer.
but john is compelled to make a major production of every step of production. okay, it bugs me but doesn't matter when it's something that calls for such intense focus on detail ~ like his artwork, where detail is part of his distinctive style ~ but to dither & take literally hours to cut out fewer than ten small pictures is beyond me.
to help simplify the work, i set specific guidelines, not because i'm such a fuss budget (no pun intended) but to help streamline & speed up without sacrificing results.
how can it take the better part of the day - at least 2 1/2 hours - to do a teeny part of a minor project? i just don't get it. john is set on using HIS process, even though it takes forever; i want to take whichever process gives the best results in the best time.
arrrggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhh.
no brainer.
but john is compelled to make a major production of every step of production. okay, it bugs me but doesn't matter when it's something that calls for such intense focus on detail ~ like his artwork, where detail is part of his distinctive style ~ but to dither & take literally hours to cut out fewer than ten small pictures is beyond me.
to help simplify the work, i set specific guidelines, not because i'm such a fuss budget (no pun intended) but to help streamline & speed up without sacrificing results.
how can it take the better part of the day - at least 2 1/2 hours - to do a teeny part of a minor project? i just don't get it. john is set on using HIS process, even though it takes forever; i want to take whichever process gives the best results in the best time.
arrrggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhh.
Friday, June 3, 2011
Loyalty v.s. Blind Loyalty (from Mary Jane Hurley Brant's newsletter)
Gee, the following speaks directly to my heart!!
Loyalty Vs. Blind Loyalty
Loyalty is essential for genuine family solidarity. But blind loyalty leads to family dysfunction. A loyal family member is faithful to the family's traditions and honors its obligations. A loyal family member is emotionally present with support and encouragement during success or duress.
These unwavering devotions are admirable and observable: just look at how a loyal family member helps another member during an illness, a financial crisis, the breakup of a marriage, death.
I admire family loyalty; I believe in it. However, I do not believe in blind family loyalty.
Here's why. A blindly loyal person follows lockstep and unquestioningly behind the family. Often, the marching is done unconsciously because one doesn't want to upset or anger another family member - a practice of "keep the peace mentality." Sometimes, the blindly loyal member will "go along" with something even when common sense and rationale plead with them to speak out.
Sometimes, the blindly loyal member rejects hard core examples of a family's neurotic, enabling and codependent responses and that behavior hurts and damages their other relationships.
How so? Families operate on a continuum of being open with their communication or closed. Families with high functioning open systems can address any topic even when extremely painful, difficult or sensitive: loss, divorces, mental illness, secrets, alcoholism, various abuses, feelings of shame, affairs, death of beloved members, etc.
These high functioning families feel confident and secure enough individually and as a family unit to discuss these circumstances and call them what they are. Individual expressions are not only permitted, they are encouraged. And while I agree it can be complicated and tricky at times where family confidences are concerned, it is not impossible to negotiate peaceful outcomes.
But, this isn't the case in the closed blindly loyal family. For example, in a blindly loyal family where the mother was cold and unaffectionate to her children and now one member wants to let "the cat out of the bag," this member is often rejected by other family members.
Blind family loyalty expects everyone to remember how terrific their celebrations were even when dad fell into the potato salad and knocking over Uncle Albert were regular occurrences. In other words, the blindly loyal family must turn "dad the sinner" into "dad the saint."
And heaven protect the family member who challenges the accepted family view.
Where does blind loyalty originate? Usually, it's formed in early childhood to win parental approval and love because the worse thing for a child to feel is disapproved of, unloved and unwanted. We all want to believe we had the perfect family so we ignore the imperfections and transform family issues into virtues.
The reality comes later when we see other people's families or we marry someone who is a more higher functioning emotionally than we. That's when we have a point-of-reference for comparison.
But telling ourselves that something was perfectly wonderful when it was not is emotionally unhealthy and a form of denial or repression. Those feelings don't disappear; they go underground to get projected and played out later with coworkers, spouses, friendships and even with our own children.
For example, the adult child who could never please mom, dad or both unconsciously feels never good enough and becomes highly reactive when criticism comes his or her way.
But with acceptance of what really occurred in your family system, coupled with insight and introspection and sometimes help from another sibling, relative, friend, spiritual director or professional, most of us can understand more fully the childhood we experienced and not turn around and misdirect that disappointment, anger or hurt onto others.
Yes, my friends, we can become loyal "to our own experience" and that's a really good thing.
Remember, there is no shame in admitting that we have wounds from some family experiences and that we have wounded others, sometimes blindly so, but let's not make a blind loyalty into a family affair. Instead, let's accept that no family is perfect and most do the best they can.
When we are open to this conscious shift from being a blindly loyal family member to an authentically loyal family member our families will be true places of refuge. Places where we can always return to heal a hurt, to laugh and cry, and, yes, sometimes even exhale a bona fide sigh of those memorable words: home sweet
Loyalty Vs. Blind Loyalty
Loyalty is essential for genuine family solidarity. But blind loyalty leads to family dysfunction. A loyal family member is faithful to the family's traditions and honors its obligations. A loyal family member is emotionally present with support and encouragement during success or duress.
These unwavering devotions are admirable and observable: just look at how a loyal family member helps another member during an illness, a financial crisis, the breakup of a marriage, death.
I admire family loyalty; I believe in it. However, I do not believe in blind family loyalty.
Here's why. A blindly loyal person follows lockstep and unquestioningly behind the family. Often, the marching is done unconsciously because one doesn't want to upset or anger another family member - a practice of "keep the peace mentality." Sometimes, the blindly loyal member will "go along" with something even when common sense and rationale plead with them to speak out.
Sometimes, the blindly loyal member rejects hard core examples of a family's neurotic, enabling and codependent responses and that behavior hurts and damages their other relationships.
How so? Families operate on a continuum of being open with their communication or closed. Families with high functioning open systems can address any topic even when extremely painful, difficult or sensitive: loss, divorces, mental illness, secrets, alcoholism, various abuses, feelings of shame, affairs, death of beloved members, etc.
These high functioning families feel confident and secure enough individually and as a family unit to discuss these circumstances and call them what they are. Individual expressions are not only permitted, they are encouraged. And while I agree it can be complicated and tricky at times where family confidences are concerned, it is not impossible to negotiate peaceful outcomes.
But, this isn't the case in the closed blindly loyal family. For example, in a blindly loyal family where the mother was cold and unaffectionate to her children and now one member wants to let "the cat out of the bag," this member is often rejected by other family members.
Blind family loyalty expects everyone to remember how terrific their celebrations were even when dad fell into the potato salad and knocking over Uncle Albert were regular occurrences. In other words, the blindly loyal family must turn "dad the sinner" into "dad the saint."
And heaven protect the family member who challenges the accepted family view.
Where does blind loyalty originate? Usually, it's formed in early childhood to win parental approval and love because the worse thing for a child to feel is disapproved of, unloved and unwanted. We all want to believe we had the perfect family so we ignore the imperfections and transform family issues into virtues.
The reality comes later when we see other people's families or we marry someone who is a more higher functioning emotionally than we. That's when we have a point-of-reference for comparison.
But telling ourselves that something was perfectly wonderful when it was not is emotionally unhealthy and a form of denial or repression. Those feelings don't disappear; they go underground to get projected and played out later with coworkers, spouses, friendships and even with our own children.
For example, the adult child who could never please mom, dad or both unconsciously feels never good enough and becomes highly reactive when criticism comes his or her way.
But with acceptance of what really occurred in your family system, coupled with insight and introspection and sometimes help from another sibling, relative, friend, spiritual director or professional, most of us can understand more fully the childhood we experienced and not turn around and misdirect that disappointment, anger or hurt onto others.
Yes, my friends, we can become loyal "to our own experience" and that's a really good thing.
Remember, there is no shame in admitting that we have wounds from some family experiences and that we have wounded others, sometimes blindly so, but let's not make a blind loyalty into a family affair. Instead, let's accept that no family is perfect and most do the best they can.
When we are open to this conscious shift from being a blindly loyal family member to an authentically loyal family member our families will be true places of refuge. Places where we can always return to heal a hurt, to laugh and cry, and, yes, sometimes even exhale a bona fide sigh of those memorable words: home sweet
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