"the saddest thing in life..."

the following, an excerpt from joan chittister's book, welcome to the wisdom of the word, describes an awesomely gifted person who is as loved by me as i seem to be persona non-exista to him:

It isn't that he wasn't bright enough.
Nonsense.
He was one of the smartest people I ever met.
He had years of academic success.
He had a fine reputation as a teacher.
He certainly had the right pedigree, academically & socially.
BUT
whatever the cosmetics, he was never really happy -
always dissatisfied
always stuck
always wanting more.

What he was, it seems, never quite equaled his image of himself and what he wanted to be.

Shakespeare described the type centuries ago ~ "desiring this one's art and that one's scope."

It wasn't so much that people discounted him; it was that he was never good enough for himself.

Standing next to him, you could almost feel the restless rage that ate away at his soul. He carried an air of perpetual distain, a kind of groundless anger at those who refused to recognize in him what he thought himself to be. He hungered for the world to attest that he was what he clearly was not.

He was stuck.

He could not be what he wanted to be. He did not want to be what he was, however excellent that might look to others. Instead, he drifted between the two, unhappy because of what he could not do, refusing to be satisfied with what he could.

But the wanting ate him up, consumed him, made him small when he could have been great.

He didn't want to be a teacher; he wanted to be an administrator.

He didn't want to be a theorist; he wanted to be an executive.

And he never got to be either.

He was, without doubt, an invaluable resource on anyone's committee, on anyone's staff, on anyone's board. But what he definitely did NOT want to be was one of the team - any team. He wanted to be the STANDOUT BEST.

Instead, he became a study of what happens when we reflect parts of ourselves and leave the whole of ourselves untouched, undeveloped.

all of which reminds me of the great quote near the end of robert deniro's timeless classic, a bronx tale ~ the saddest thing in this world is wasted talent.

in this moment, am recording my vow to use the talent i have, however great or small it might be.

as joan c. said later in her book ~ We don't have to be stuck in the dregs of life. We don't have to pine away, wanting to be what we aren't. We don't have to wonder if what we have to give to the world is worth giving. BUT we do have to do something with the gifts we have OR risk the loss of them eventually.

rejoice in what i am, in what i can be, what i am called to be.