Duh duh & double duh!!
Just hit me - when we had our counseling session, Peter said our family life was so toxic, he & Mike & Mim left home as soon as they graduated from high school.
Did I visibly stagger backwards, realizing the truth of what he said? Felt like it.
Our family life was toxic. Intensely so. I felt it. Still do.
For me, Peter was one of the primary toxins!
My guess is that Peter & Mim & Kerry experience me as the primary toxin. It's a good bet that Whitney & Reynolds, maybe even Scott experienced me as the primary toxin.
Our family was spectacularly toxic. And we all had a part in it. What's perhaps most interesting is that I haven't a clue how I could have been anything but toxic to them. And vice versa. Not personal, just utter opposites.
Illuminating....
Thursday, April 25, 2013
Wednesday, April 24, 2013
Ancient Patterns
Gee, I'm grateful to have written my 03/17/13 posting about my oldest brother's total disconnect to earlier events in our lives - - legions of memories wiped clean from his mind.
Got a newsy chatty letter from him this week, asking me if I would drop off the family crest - remarkably carved by Val Sigstedt from natural woods - that the Bryn Athyn church society gave Dad over forty years ago, in thanks for his volunteer work. And he'd like to take me out to lunch ~ to Chick-Fil-A or Chucky Cheese or McDonald's.
Hmmm....
A delicate reply to write.
As I wrote in last month's posting, my surviving sibs + one seem to experience me as fingernails across a chalk board. It is unnerving, never knowing when something I say will drive them around the bend.
Peter is an interesting fellow. It's hard to remember a time I didn't have a sense that my existence didn't, at best, severely tax his limits. If he is to be believed, a lifetime of memories has been wiped away. In his recollection, he had virtually no contact with me after he was old enough to leave the house for college. Pretty hard to come to address, let alone come to some sort of mutual understanding, past issues with a virtual amnesiac. It's easy to understand, albeit hard to fathom - if a memory doesn't fit his present-day narrative, it never happened.
For years, I tolerated Peter because of our relationship. Took me until the past 10 years to fully appreciate that relationship requires two (2) people, not one wishing & hoping for the best. I never thought I'd have an opportunity to respond in a new way to an old toxic dynamic.
Yet, here was his letter. Awaiting a reply.
Being careful to stick to "I" statements, I explained that his long history of displeasure with my existence (I phrased it more diplomatically, but that is the reality), I must decline his invitation. I have grown past being able to invest the emotional reserves necessary to be around him - it's exhausting, never knowing when something I say will seem to get under his skin & drive him around the bend. Better to wish him well & keep our distance. At least, it’s better for me.
Sheez, never thought I'd have the opportunity to face the issue in an active state. A sad & sorry blessing, but was grateful to respond with clarity & love, at a distance.
It wasn't until late this afternoon that I was struck as if by a lightning bolt by the timing. It's been four months since Whitney moved to Australia. I might not register with Peter as a flesh & blood person, but someone who makes him feel like a brother when he needs a relationship fix - oh, yeah. Mom could always make Peter feel the loving, devoted son; I was always at the ready to treat him as the brother he loves to be.
Did he write because he needs a heaping helping of feeling part of a family? I don't know - maybe yes, maybe no.
Just know that I am past trying to puzzle it out. Am 61 years old with limited reserves of energy. I wish Peter all the best, but beyond - am all played out. Ancient patterns are tiring, although I rejoice that i was able to give my response a new spin.
Got a newsy chatty letter from him this week, asking me if I would drop off the family crest - remarkably carved by Val Sigstedt from natural woods - that the Bryn Athyn church society gave Dad over forty years ago, in thanks for his volunteer work. And he'd like to take me out to lunch ~ to Chick-Fil-A or Chucky Cheese or McDonald's.
Hmmm....
A delicate reply to write.
As I wrote in last month's posting, my surviving sibs + one seem to experience me as fingernails across a chalk board. It is unnerving, never knowing when something I say will drive them around the bend.
Peter is an interesting fellow. It's hard to remember a time I didn't have a sense that my existence didn't, at best, severely tax his limits. If he is to be believed, a lifetime of memories has been wiped away. In his recollection, he had virtually no contact with me after he was old enough to leave the house for college. Pretty hard to come to address, let alone come to some sort of mutual understanding, past issues with a virtual amnesiac. It's easy to understand, albeit hard to fathom - if a memory doesn't fit his present-day narrative, it never happened.
For years, I tolerated Peter because of our relationship. Took me until the past 10 years to fully appreciate that relationship requires two (2) people, not one wishing & hoping for the best. I never thought I'd have an opportunity to respond in a new way to an old toxic dynamic.
Yet, here was his letter. Awaiting a reply.
Being careful to stick to "I" statements, I explained that his long history of displeasure with my existence (I phrased it more diplomatically, but that is the reality), I must decline his invitation. I have grown past being able to invest the emotional reserves necessary to be around him - it's exhausting, never knowing when something I say will seem to get under his skin & drive him around the bend. Better to wish him well & keep our distance. At least, it’s better for me.
Sheez, never thought I'd have the opportunity to face the issue in an active state. A sad & sorry blessing, but was grateful to respond with clarity & love, at a distance.
It wasn't until late this afternoon that I was struck as if by a lightning bolt by the timing. It's been four months since Whitney moved to Australia. I might not register with Peter as a flesh & blood person, but someone who makes him feel like a brother when he needs a relationship fix - oh, yeah. Mom could always make Peter feel the loving, devoted son; I was always at the ready to treat him as the brother he loves to be.
Did he write because he needs a heaping helping of feeling part of a family? I don't know - maybe yes, maybe no.
Just know that I am past trying to puzzle it out. Am 61 years old with limited reserves of energy. I wish Peter all the best, but beyond - am all played out. Ancient patterns are tiring, although I rejoice that i was able to give my response a new spin.
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