There's Something I Have To Tell You

It often amazes me how crucial life lessons are more likely to come from wretched events than from delightful moments.  Take, for example, a sensitive 1997 conversation I initiated with a key person in my life ~ ~ one I totally & completely gummed up, but yielded lessons that guide me to this day. 

Background:  There was a very sensitive topic involving money ~ one of the most touchy of all subjects under the face of the sun ~ and family.  Mega powder keg combination!  And I did what, it turns out, most people do.  I brought it up entirely in the wrong way, at the wrong time, in the wrong place.  sigh….

Afterward, clueless as to how it had all had fallen to pieces, I did what I’ve always done in that sort of situation – research what I could have, should have done differently.  Maybe I would have had the same result ~ an uproar that reverberates to this day –  had I known then what I know now, but at least I would have the comfort of knowing it had been approached with due delicacy & keener empathy. 

So, what did I learn?

Surprise!

To my surprise, I discovered that apparently a shocking number of people do exactly what I did – bring up intensely sensitive topics unannounced, at precisely the worst possible, most typically at a party or other social event.   Totally relate to that – brought it up, out of the blue, during a party.

Why do a stunning number of totally well-intentioned people bring topics they’d rather avoid altogether up in utterly inappropriate settings?  It’s simple – the other person, the one you’re terrified of upsetting but you feel needs to hear your message, is unable to get upset. 

Not that we think that outright.  We don’t say to ourselves, “I’ll bring this up at so & so’s birthday party because he won’t be able to go through the roof or attempt to box my ears.”  But deep down, it seems to be what we are subconsciously thinking.

Wrong Time, Wrong Place

Mom & Dad were masters of delivering shocking news or asking massively delicate questions in ham-fisted, poorly timed, inappropriate settings.   They became so well known for it, my oldest brother, Peter, said he got to the point where he dreaded a dinner invitation from them, wondering what was going to come up. 

Frankly, there are some subjects that should never come up.  Peter & Pam certainly should have reconsidered inviting his teen-aged baby sister (me) out to Pittsburgh to help them with a move, during which – at dinner in a Shadyside restaurant, over chocolate cream pie – Pam informed her adoring sister-in-law, that she was compelled to inform me of my latent lesbianism, which (as she explained) might go undetected in cloistered Bryn Athyn but would be picked up by predatory others when I went away to college. 

Yeah, that’s the sort of thing you want to bring up over dessert. 

Am, to this, day proud that I kept my composure and calmly asked a couple questions.  Pam, what drew you to this interesting conclusion?  It was the only explanation she could come up with for why I didn’t date & hung out at the girls’ dorm. (In my high school, guys were notoriously bad about asking girls out AND everyone hung out at Glenn Hall).  Peter, what do you think? He agreed with Pam (the rat), 

Praise be, I was comfortable enough in my own skin (even at 17) to realize they were both crackers.   

Naturally, Dad & Mom compounded the situation by postponing their (naturally outraged) response, instead scheduling a dinner date at one of Peter & Pam’s favorite restaurants, with nary a mention of the incident or their reaction. 

Would Have, Should Have

I do not bring this up to pillory Peter & Pam & my parents, but because it turns out that what they did was what most people would have done.  Almost 25 years later, I did much the same in my communication debacle.

So, all that aside, what have I learned over the past 15+ years about better ways to bring up tough subjects without going into a nose dive?

The most important first thing to consider – is this sensitive situation genuinely  worth lifting up into an open issue?   Is there a potential positive outcome to talking about it, or would it just make you feel better?  One way to figure this out is to talk it over FIRST with a neutral person capable of a subjective viewpoint.  Friends are usually not a good choice, as they’re already rooting for you.  Over the years, I’ve sought insights from ministers & counselors, authors & online experts. 

With the $$ issue back in 1997, I turned to Mom & Mim, who were surprised I’d thought twice about it – bringing it up seemed to them like common sense, especially as it involved someone sniped quite a lot about the family tendency to kept their heads in the sand rather than deal with uncomfortable issues.  Still uncertain, I forged ahead.

Which brings up a second key point – pay attention to your own instincts.  If others give the go to bring up a delicate subject, but something deep inside keeps saying, “I don’t know….”, pay attention to that inner voice.  I thought mine was just trying to duck out of a possibly difficult moment.  No – it knew better.

Perhaps THE most important point – pick the right time & place.  Not at a party.  The best approach is to let the person know you have something important to discuss, then set up a time & place to do just that.  Do not, whatever you do, get sucked into talking about it before the set time & place.  No matter what they say or how plaintively they cajole, just say, “I’ll tell you about it then.” 

Sensitive discussions are never easy.  It is human nature to avoid them as much as possible.  Sometimes, we end up delaying them due to factors outside of our control.  Sometimes, it’s due to avoidance.  Some discussions should never happen - period.  Mine, the one I totally gummed up, was an important one that went terribly wrong due to my bungling – wrong time, wrong place, wrong way.

No Easy Answers

I wish that I could give good advice on how to bring up difficult topics, how to had a tough conversation about a sensitive subject.  If attempts to bring up powder keg topics have blown up in your face, there’s help out yonder.  Check out the internet, look for books like Charles Foster’s  There’s Something I Have to Tell You – how to communicate difficult news in tough situations,” talk to personal communications counselor.  Do it now, before another potentially explosive situation comes up. 

And remember – if there are times you have to bring up tough topics with others, there are times they have to do the same with you.  Be willing to listen & discuss, realize that feeling might get heated but that doesn’t mean they need to explode, don’t fly off at the handle or turn it into an opportunity to unload a lifetime of unacknowledged slights & injuries.  And be willing, if it doesn’t go well, to let the other person off the hook.  

If you can do that, you deserve 5 gold stars for a core life lesson learned!